


The Ultimate Gamer

by HorizonTheTransient



Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, gamer - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:20:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23291593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HorizonTheTransient/pseuds/HorizonTheTransient
Summary: Taylor, the ultimate munchkin slash power gamer, discovers the most overpowered skill in the game, and kills the Endbringers with it.
Comments: 15
Kudos: 79





	The Ultimate Gamer

"...but you see, Flareon is the only fully-evolved Fire-type Pokemon that cannot learn Solar Beam," Greg explained. He'd been going for nearly an hour now, and had explained poorly and at length such fascinating subjects as the plot of Metal Gear Solid, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, some godforsaken harem anime called Sekirei, and now Pokemon.

Taylor's eyes crossed, as her soul left her body. She saw a realm of inky blackness, lit with a coruscating, fractally-shifting, kaleidoscopic dance of alien geometries.

A conversation in concepts rather than words played out before her, and she felt like she'd gained a glimpse at something greater than anything she ever had or ever would witness.

Then her eyes came back into focus and her ears started working again.

"-and then use Quick Attack-" Greg was saying.

Taylor threw her head back and screamed.

* * *

"If I've learned anything from Speed Racer," Dean said, in between bites of a sandwich, "It's that by taking something that you like doing, and being the best that you can possibly be, with the love of a good family, somehow it'll make everything better. So like, if I like picking my nose, but I'm really enthusiastic about it, and have the full support of my family, and an adorable chimpanzee, it'll end the war in Iraq."

"You've got mayo on your mouth," Dennis pointed out.

"That's not mayo."

The two boys burst out laughing, and Taylor grinned weakly. Sure, her apparent neurotic breakdown had gotten her discovered as a cape, and she'd been all but press-ganged into the Wards, but at least Dean and Dennis seemed nice.

"Anyhow, it's great to have another Ward on the team," Dean said, after finishing his sandwich. "We've been a little understaffed after Shadow Stalker got transferred out."

"Really? What happened there?" Taylor asked.

"Apparently she got caught bullying this kid at Winslow, and then that opened up a  _ huge _ investigation that revealed a whole bunch of  _ other _ probation-breaking shit she's done," Dennis explained. "Extra patrols with fully lethal broadhead crossbow bolts, embezzling PRT property and selling it on the black market-"

"Wait, really?" Dean said.

"Yeah, she was selling those Tinkertech tranquilizers Armsmaster gave her to the Merchants," Dennis said. "Anyhow, she was a  _ huge _ asshole, and I assure you, you cannot  _ possibly _ be worse than her."

"Huh," Taylor said. She thought about the fact that  _ she _ had been bullied at Winslow pretty aggressively, and had filed complaints and reports with the school and law enforcement about it...

...and then felt a pang of jealousy at the  _ other _ kid who'd managed to get it to work for them. Why did  _ they _ get all the lucky breaks, and not her?

"So, uh... I can see people's emotions," Dean said, breaking the silence. "I'm not actually a Tinker in the cape sense of the word- I like to mess around with arduinos and shit in my free time, but I can't build power armor. My blasts aren't a ray gun or anything, I just... shoot balls of force and emotion at people."

"That's... kind of terrifying," Taylor said.

"It's less terrifying than you think, because he can't uncouple the emotion from the force," Dennis said. "Imagine him trying to make you horny for him and then imagine how much that would not work if he every time he tried it felt like getting punched in the face."

"For the most part it's just a colossal pain in the ass," Dean said. "Do you know what it's like to know for certain that your girlfriend is pissed off about  _ something _ and  _ not _ know  _ why? _ "

"That... sounds pretty rough, yeah," Taylor said. "My power is that, um... I sorta... I can see my skills in terms of, uh, levels, basically? And I can tell how much practice I need to do to level them up."

"Oh shit, that's fucking baller," Dennis said. "What constitutes a skill? How granular is it?"

"Is there a nose-picking skill?" Dean asked, before pulling out his wallet. "Taylor, I will pay you fifty dollars if you check to see if you can level up your nose-picking skill. You can go check in the bathroom, I just need a yes or no answer."

"...Make it two hundred," Taylor said.

"Deal," Dean said, pulling out two hundred dollars and handing them over to Taylor.

"Okay, let's... let's try it," Taylor said, breathing in deeply, wiping a pointer finger clean on a napkin, before lifting it up hesitantly towards her nose. A bit of digging and scratching, and then... "Oh my god you have got to be fucking shitting me."

_ Skill increase! Nose-Picking, Level 1! _

"Did it work?" Dean asked.

"It did and also fuck you."

It took five minutes for the boys to stop laughing like hyenas.

* * *

"So, skill books, huh?" Dean asked.

"Oh god no," Taylor whispered, closing her eyes.

"I have a present for you, Taylor."

"You are the worst boy I have ever met."

"It's a skill book."

"No."

" _ Introductory Nose-Picking. _ "

"I'm going to sleep with your girlfriend."

* * *

"Please, Bakuda kidnapped me, forced me to obey her- she stuck a bomb up my nose and said she'd detonate it if I didn't!" the scared kid said.

"...Up your  _ nose _ , you said?" Taylor asked, leaning in. "Hold still."

Her hand shot out, pointer finger extended, and went straight up the kid's nose. She grimaced and he yelled, but after a moment of digging, she withdrew her finger, and with it, the bomb.

"Looks like I owe Gallant five dollars," Taylor muttered. "Stupid me, thinking this would  _ never _ be useful..."

* * *

" _ You _ ," Lung hissed, his mask having been dislodged. He'd transformed rather a lot already, his eyes now the color of molten metal. His face was starting to mutate as well, growing inhuman. "I will  _ end- _ "

Taylor took a single step forward, swinging her fist with her pointer finger stretched out straight, and grimaced as she found her mark, her finger slipping  _ straight _ up Lung's aberrant nostril, jabbing into something sensitive, and knocking him on his ass, yowling in pain. She pulled a Tinkertech tranquilizer dart from her hip pouch, and jabbed him in the neck, while behind her, the Wards watched in stunned awe.

"Guys," Gallant said quietly, "I think I might've done something terrible."

* * *

"You know, Dean, I was mad at you, but now, I think I should thank you," Taylor said, picking her nose just to get some practice XP in. "I just hit level 50 in Nose-Picking, yesterday. Unlocked a special ability. Melee touch attack, lets me kill anyone with a brain instantly."

Dean was sweating bullets. Was this how he died? Because he didn't know how to take a joke anywhere other than too far? It wasn't fair, he was a victim of circumstance; his father had named him Deaniel because his mother had said 'over my dead body' and then died in childbirth.

"I've negotiated a  _ really _ sweet deal with the Protectorate, because I'm now the ultimate Striker 12," Taylor continued. "So, really, thank you for the inspiration."

Wait, what?

"Buuuuut, just  _ saying _ thanks doesn't feel like enough. How about I treat you to dinner sometime?"

Dean's brain exploded inside his head, and then uncontrolled words leaked out.

"Yeah, sure Taylor, that sounds like fun," he found himself saying.

* * *

"You know, about a month ago I was upset with you for leaving me for the nose-picking girl," Victoria said. "But now..."

Out in the bay, Taylor yelled something incomprehensible, before ripping Leviathan a new nostril and then yanking his heart out through it.

"Now you're wondering if I'm willing to share?" Dean offered.

"More or less, yeah," Victoria said, nodding.

"Well, it's up to  _ her _ , really," Dean said. "I'll, uh... I'll put in a good word for you."

"Please do."

* * *

And it was after that Endbringer fight, with the jubilation of victory and also having two snugglebuddies, that Taylor baked this lasagna with her lovers for the first time, cementing that day as the best she'd ever had.

**HEBERT FAMILY LASAGNA**

Ingredients:

  * 1 pound sweet Italian sausage
  * 1 pound lean ground beef
  * 1 large white onion diced
  * 5 cloves garlic minced
  * 1 (28 ounce) can crushed tomatoes
  * 2 (6 ounce) cans tomato paste
  * 1 (15 ounce) can tomato sauce
  * 1/2 cup white wine
  * 2 tablespoons white sugar
  * 1/2 cup chopped fresh basil
  * 1 teaspoon fennel seeds
  * 1 teaspoon ground oregano
  * 1/2 teaspoon salt
  * 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
  * 1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
  * 1 pound lasagna noodles
  * 30 ounces ricotta cheese
  * 2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
  * 1 large egg
  * 1/2 teaspoon salt
  * 1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg
  * 1 pound thinly sliced mozzarella cheese about 24 slices
  * 1 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese



Instructions

  1. In a large pot over medium heat, add in ground sausage and ground beef. Use a spoon to break up the meat into small pieces. Add in onion and garlic and cook until meat is well browned, stirring constantly. Stir in sugar, fresh basil, fennel, oregano, 1/2 teaspoon salt, pepper, and 1/4 cup chopped parsley. Pour in crushed tomatoes, tomato paste, tomato sauce, and wine*. Stir well and bring to a simmer. Reduce heat to low and simmer 1-4 hours, stirring occasionally.
  2. Meanwhile, place lasagna noodles into the bottom of a pan. Pour hot tap water directly over the noodles, making sure the pasta is completely immersed in the water. Let them soak for 30 minutes, then drain and discard water.
  3. In a mixing bowl, combine ricotta cheese with egg, remaining 2 tablespoons parsley, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and nutmeg. Refrigerate until ready to assemble lasagna.
  4. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Lightly grease a deep 9×13 pan.
  5. To assemble, spread about 1 cup of meat sauce in the bottom of the prepared pan. Place 4 noodles on top. Spread with 1/3 of the ricotta cheese mixture. Top with 1/4 of mozzarella cheese slices. Spoon 1 1/2 cups meat sauce over mozzarella, then sprinkle with 1/4 cup parmesan cheese. Repeat layering two more times to create three complete layers. To finish, place a final layer of pasta, topped with another 1 cup of meat sauce to cover the pasta. Top with remaining mozzarella and Parmesan cheese. Cover loosely with aluminum foil.
  6. Bake in preheated oven for 25 minutes. Remove foil, and bake an additional 25 minutes to allow cheese to brown. Serve hot.



Notes

*The white wine can be replaced with red wine, chicken broth, or beef broth.

(Recipe sourced from  [ https://thestayathomechef.com/amazing-lasagna-recipe/ ](https://thestayathomechef.com/amazing-lasagna-recipe/) )


End file.
